I'm back from the trip home to England. During two and a half weeks of mixed weather I wandered around wondering why I ever left. I thought about all the visits I had made in the 61 years since I emigrated. Each was different because of the people who were waiting. The beauty of a place stays with one forever. When that beauty fades a bit feelings become mixed and muddled. One wants to hide under the covers and have a few tears. If only the parents were there still. Mum waiting at the window as the taxi pulled up and deposited me with luggage. . . . . . and an American accent getting stronger each time. Dad in his usual Harris Tweed jacket staring at my false eyelashes in the late 1960's and wondering "why". Brother growing taller and smarter, with hair longer than mine after heading to university. The house looked the same, even the shrubs in the garden hadn't changed other than get taller. The washing was still pegged out on the line despite Mum buying a little electric dryer "for rainy days" of which there are many! We rode the red double decker buses for years. We walked to the village pub up and down a couple of hills - good for shapely legs we were told. Bob apparently liked mine. We sat by the open fire on cold winter visits and took dips in the mild waters of Tor Bay in the summer. Traipsed though gorgeous National Trust gardens on open days, ending with Devonshire cream afternoon teas and cups of Earl Grey, sometimes in a country home, other times in an apple orchard.
Those were the days. These are the new days. I feel this last visit has given me a new perspective on my former life. Growing up in another country, one such as beautiful England, perhaps made me a different person when I came to live here. I did eventually learn to fit in. I have had a wonderful life with a great husband and family, however a huge part of my heart always remained behind and now and then I have felt perhaps I made the wrong decision all those years ago.
Today is my 80th birthday! This is really a very hard day for me because I don't feel anywhere near this age. Where have all the years gone? Am I living on borrowed time? What should I do with the years to come? Life is filled with quite important questions now and I don't have the answers. Sometimes I feel I'm drowning in 'what ifs' and what will I do. I want to learn to live in the moment. Much relies on health and movement and so far I'm doing well in those categories. However, a lot is about using my days and time to do what I want to do while I can. I'm learning to say "no" and I don't want to be the organizer any longer. I need time for myself to wander, look more closely at nature, read more, photograph more and most of all write more.
Thank you all who have followed this blog for so many years. I don't have plans to close it any time soon. I do feel I haven't got enough time to post as often as I used to. Perhaps I'm just slower. I hope to write more about the past rather than the present, if that makes sense. I do have stories to share of travels and life both here and back in those days growing up across the pond. For now I'll say goodbye...........after all it's my big birthday and I haven't organized anything spectacular, other than trotting off to a favorite wine bar with a few people who might enjoy popping a cork and toasting those coming days with a chilled glass of champagne. Wish you were here to join me!!!
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